Being a helpful advocate when someone is facing a challenging medical situation involves encouragement and care. Recently I came across a helpful article by hospital chaplain, Charlie Deridder, “What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Cancer”. Charlie has decades of interactions as he walked with people who faced cancer. His insights are helpful for all of us who seek to comfort a friend or loved one facing cancer or other life changing illness. Be kind to yourself if you have said the phrases of “what not to say.” We have all done this at some time, but we can now gain new insights! These tips can provide meaningful conversations that will be rewarding to all involved.

Tips on What Not to Say (summarized)

1. “I know exactly how you feel.” No one knows exactly how another person feels! Even if you have had cancer yourself, you don’t know what words other people would use to describe how they feel. Instead, you can ask, “Does having cancer open up any new fears you never had to face before? Would you be willing to tell me how you feel?” This allows the person to share their experience.


2. “Well, at least your cancer is treatable.” Add this to the top of your list of what not to say. To say, “at least your cancer” is dismissive. It would be more helpful to ask a question, “Is this type of cancer treatable? What have your doctors told you about treatment options?”


3. “You are such a strong and brave person; you can beat this.” While these words are well intentioned, the person may think of themself as weak and afraid. You really are not there to cheer them up, rather to help them share this experience. A better question is to say, “What in your personality or experience will help you get through this?”


4. “God never gives us more than we can handle.” If this were true, we could face anything ourselves and we wouldn’t need God. The fact is, there are circumstances that we are unable to handle by ourselves and we desperately need God. Maybe one small upside of cancer is that we would be able to see our need for God in a profound way. God is not the enemy. The disease is the enemy. Prayer becomes such an important element. Regardless of what happens in the journey with the disease, it is always good to pray!

My hope is that these insights will guide us as we walk beside another during difficult times. Support of a compassionate friend or family member can be so meaningful when facing a difficult diagnosis. Thanks be to God for the loving community that cares for one another.

Together on the journey,

Louise